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Author Topic: The Lighthearted Thread ~ Just to change the mind set a bit  (Read 4306 times)

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Poncke

« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2013, 14:08 »
+2
Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing my story because people asked...

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning  :-\
 
First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fvcked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So I stayed at my uncle's farm to bust my chops in the fields. Actually it was just a fvcking desert. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
 
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
 
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fvcking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy sh!t went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
 
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
 
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to have my way with her. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
 
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
 
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
 
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fvcked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
 
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fvcking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
 
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
 
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.


« Reply #26 on: January 28, 2013, 22:56 »
0
How did the frog cross the road?

He was stapled to a chicken ;D

J

« Reply #27 on: January 29, 2013, 03:38 »
0
How did the frog cross the road?

He was stapled to a chicken ;D

J

that's not very nice, I like frogs :(
« Last Edit: January 29, 2013, 14:29 by Phil »

« Reply #28 on: January 29, 2013, 14:29 »
0
Four Worms in Church
(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)
 

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.

 



The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.

 


The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
 
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

BK

« Reply #29 on: January 29, 2013, 23:36 »
+1
Guy leaves the house in the morning for his weekly golf outing with his buddies.  He's usually home about noon. 
Around 1:00 his wife gets a little worried. 2:00 more worried...
He finally walks in the door around 6pm. His wife is beside herself, "Where have you been!?"
"Oh, honey, you wouldn't believe it," he says. "We get on the 3rd tee and Joe keels over dead from a heart attack."
"Oh My God," the wife says. "That's terrible."
"It sure was," the guy responds. "The rest of the day it was hit the ball, drag Joe. Hit the ball, drag Joe."

« Reply #30 on: January 30, 2013, 11:01 »
+1
A man taking a flight finds himself seated next to a parrot.  The parrot is obnoxious in the extreme! Get me a whisky b*tch - he screams at the flight attendant.  The food sucks he shouts and throws his tray across the plane.  The man notices that the parrot is getting a lot of service and attention, so he starts doing the same. And pretty soon the two of them are having a whale of a time shouting and abusing the staff and making all kinds of demands.

But enough gets to be enough and at one point two burly men from the flight staff catch them both, open the door mid-sky, and toss them out of the plane.

As the two are falling to ground the parrot turns and looks at the man in admiration; and says 'For someone who doesn't have wings, you've got balls man'.


« Reply #31 on: January 30, 2013, 13:59 »
+1
Snufkin, that's fabulous. Brought tears to my eyes. Here is an oldie but goodie:-

An Englishman goes on holiday to Spain. He is a gourmet and plans to try all the local specialities in the best restaurants.

One day, he is visiting a small town and finds an unpretentious little restaurant near the bull ring. He looks at the menu, but then notices the person at the next table who has a plate of two large meatballs in some sort of sauce.

In the immortal words, he says to the waiter, "I'll have what she's having." The waiter nods, goes back to the kitchen, and soon he is enjoying the most delicious meatballs he has ever eaten. So impressed is he by this dish, he goes back to the same restaurant for the next three nights, always savouring the tasty meal.

On the fourth night, he asks for the meatballs, and is surprised when the waiter brings out a plate with two much smaller meatballs.

"But I wanted the same as I had last night," he says. "Where are the large meatballs I had before?"

The waiter shrugs, and says, "Senor, it is the way of the bullfight. Sometimes, the bull wins!"

 

Poncke

« Reply #32 on: January 30, 2013, 14:29 »
+2
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are have a chat at an archaeology site.

The Scotsman says; after having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, the Englishman recalls English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

Not impressed by either men, the Irishman says that "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee , Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

« Reply #33 on: January 30, 2013, 15:09 »
+1
OK on the englishman, scotsman, irishman vein...

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
 
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
 
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
 "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
 
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
 "Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
 
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Poncke

« Reply #34 on: January 30, 2013, 15:20 »
0
@ Heywoody

Laughing out loud here. ! ;D

« Reply #35 on: January 30, 2013, 18:18 »
+3
Government Theory
 
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that: �When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, best strategy is to dismount�.

However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
 
1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4.  Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to  be fed, it is less  costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially  more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other  horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course....

13 Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. 

ShadySue

« Reply #36 on: January 30, 2013, 18:27 »
0
Government Theory
<big snip>
Brilliant. That's so like the old day job, I'm sending it round my former colleagues.
tx

« Reply #37 on: January 31, 2013, 05:30 »
+1
I've removed one post (and the posts that responded to that post) that poked fun at other members.  I realize it was just in jest but it was simply asking for trouble.

Reef

  • astonmars.com
« Reply #38 on: January 31, 2013, 07:07 »
0
I've removed one post (and the posts that responded to that post) that poked fun at other members.  I realize it was just in jest but it was simply asking for trouble.

Oh for gawd sake..........

That was probably the funniest joke ever posted here and not even close to the "jesting" some (not all) have given others.

If they can't take a little poke they shouldn't dish it out in the first place. So I'm not sure why you felt the need, Leaf? Peace :)

CD123

« Reply #39 on: January 31, 2013, 07:19 »
+3
I've removed one post (and the posts that responded to that post) that poked fun at other members.  I realize it was just in jest but it was simply asking for trouble.

Oh for gawd sake..........

That was probably the funniest joke ever posted here and not even close to the "jesting" some (not all) have given others.

If they can't take a little poke they shouldn't dish it out in the first place. So I'm not sure why you felt the need, Leaf? Peace :)
Yes, it was funny, but if you allow jokes at the cost of others, who will be able to draw the line on deserved and undeserved comments / targets? It was the logical and proper decision by a responsible site/forum owner. Peace to you to bro  ;)

PS I think that is what the "gawd" you refer to would have done as well - so it probably worked out for His sake as well.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 07:22 by CD123 »

« Reply #40 on: January 31, 2013, 10:31 »
+2
I have to agree with Reef, it was an excellent example of gentle humour that absolutely nailed it - in fact, probably even flattering (as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.")

Didn't one of the Popes "castrate" a bunch of statues for similar reasons?

CD123

« Reply #41 on: January 31, 2013, 11:23 »
0
I have to agree with Reef, it was an excellent example of gentle humour that absolutely nailed it - in fact, probably even flattering (as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.")

Didn't one of the Popes "castrate" a bunch of statues for similar reasons?
Can see your name did not come up as one of the people being joked about.  ;)


« Reply #42 on: January 31, 2013, 11:57 »
0
I have to agree with Reef, it was an excellent example of gentle humour that absolutely nailed it - in fact, probably even flattering (as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.")

Didn't one of the Popes "castrate" a bunch of statues for similar reasons?
Can see your name did not come up as one of the people being joked about.  ;)

That's just cos I'm too boring - the "victims" are the colourful characters  ;D

Poncke

« Reply #43 on: January 31, 2013, 12:20 »
0
It had to derail, and I knew it as soon as I saw the post. Deleting it doesnt solve the problem either, as the thread has now turned into a discussion regardless. It was fun while it lasted. Thanks for those who posted, some good jokes in here.

CD123

« Reply #44 on: January 31, 2013, 12:56 »
0
Lets just start it again. Lame joke 1:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no idea



PS For in case this is a pronunciation thing:

"no eye deer"
« Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 19:29 by CD123 »

« Reply #45 on: January 31, 2013, 18:31 »
0
Government Theory
<big snip>
Brilliant. That's so like the old day job, I'm sending it round my former colleagues.
tx

Thanks  :) :) happy you liked it.

« Reply #46 on: January 31, 2013, 19:52 »
+1
Lets just start it again. Lame joke 1:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no idea



PS For in case this is a pronunciation thing:

"no eye deer"

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

still no idea :)


whats brown and sticky?

a stick.
(this has been my sons favourite joke for over 10 years - sad but true)

CD123

« Reply #47 on: January 31, 2013, 20:13 »
0
Heard about the guy who breaded 4 legged chickens for KFC (4 drums with every chicken). Wonder how it tastes? No one knows, could not catch one yet....

CD123

« Reply #48 on: January 31, 2013, 20:17 »
+1
Cop pulls over a frisky young drunken lady.
Cop: Anything you say might be taken down.
Girl: Pants! 

Poncke

« Reply #49 on: January 31, 2013, 20:34 »
+1
Cop pulls over a frisky young drunken lady.
Cop: Anything you say might be taken down.
Girl: Pants!

And then the boyfriend says "I haven't had a cvnt all night, drinkstable!"


 

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