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Author Topic: The Lighthearted Thread ~ Just to change the mind set a bit  (Read 4307 times)

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Poncke

« on: January 26, 2013, 17:38 »
+4
Its been tough the last two weeks for a lot of people here. Lets just post some lighthearted stuff. If it doesnt help, it doesnt hurt either  ;D

[North Carolina accent]I'll tell ya right now, my heart is beating like a phonebook in a dryer[/North Carolina accent] ~ Will Ferrell

Brilliant quote from The Campaign, IMO  :P

What you got?  8)
« Last Edit: January 26, 2013, 17:42 by Poncke »


« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2013, 19:47 »
+5
What do you call a lawyer with two wooden legs ?

A waste of wood !

gillian vann

  • *Gillian*
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2013, 20:19 »
+3
what do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

Poncke

« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2013, 01:58 »
+1
LOL, keep em coming

tab62

« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2013, 02:06 »
+2
A lawyer an IRS Agent out of an airport without any parachutes - who hit the ground first?

Answer- Who Cares...


T

« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2013, 02:22 »
+5
A bride and groom to be were both unfortunately killed in a freak accidents on the way to their wedding.

They arrive at the pearly gates together and are greeted at the gates by one of the angels. "Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around but first thing do you have any requests ?"

"Well we were on our way to get married, any chance of that ?"
"Sure I'll arrange it."
Off goes the angel and returns 4 weeks later. "I've finally found a priest ! There's not that many of them here it turns out. Are you ready to go ahead ?"

"I've just one question" asked the groom. "If it doesn't work out are you allowed to get a divorce in heaven ?"

With a look of astonishment the angel replies.
"Your saw how long it took me to find a priest, how long do you think it would take to find a lawyer ?"


« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2013, 02:29 »
+8
How many crowdsourcing microstockers does it take to change a lightbulb? 50,000. One to do the job and 49,999 to say "I'd have done that better".

« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2013, 02:32 »
+7
How many crowdsourcing snappers does it take to get one image on Shutterstock? 50,000. One to get accepted and the other 49,999 to say Attila the Reviewer is an ignorant moron who doestn't recognise a brilliant, award-winning photo when he sees one.

Poncke

« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2013, 02:37 »
+10
After flights Qantas Airline pilots have to fill out a form called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells the mechanics of any problems with the aircraft. The mechanics then correct the problem before adding their solutions to the sheet, and then the pilots review the gripe sheet before their next flight.
 
The ground crews obviously have a great sense of humour as reflected in their gripe sheet comments and solutions.
 
The quotes in this hub are not new to the Internet, but I am sure not everyone here on hubpages will have seen them before, and they are well worth reading for the laughter factor. I take no credit for this hub as I simply copied the content to spread the laughs further.
 
For ease of reading I have referred to the pilots by the letter 'P', and the mechanic's solutions with the letter 'S'.
 
P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 
S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
 
*****
 
P) Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough.
 
S) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
*****
 
P) Something loose in cockpit.
 
S) Something tightened in cockpit.
 
*****
 
P) Dead bugs on windshield.
 
S) Live bugs on back-order.
 
*****
 
P) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
 
S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
*****
 
P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 
S) Evidence removed.
 
*****
 
 
P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
 
S) DME volume set to more believable level.
 
*****
 
P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 
S) That's what they're for.
 
*****
 
P) IFF inoperative.
 
S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
*****
 
P) Suspected crack in windscreen.
 
S) Suspect you're right.
 
*****
 
P) Number 3 engine missing.
 
S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
*****
 
P) Aircraft handles funny.
 
S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 
*****
 
P) Target radar hums.
 
S) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
*****
 
P) Mouse in cockpit.
 
S) Cat installed.
 
*****
 
P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
 
S) Took hammer away from midget.
 

sc

« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2013, 10:33 »
+5
Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one? 

« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2013, 12:55 »
+4
My all time favorite

"A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the * thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna F@ck it!"

« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2013, 12:58 »
+7
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Poncke

« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2013, 12:59 »
0
Why did the chicken cross the road?


GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


LOL, thats the best one !

Poncke

« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2013, 13:01 »
+6
After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
 
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
 
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
 
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
 
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
 
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
 
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
 
'Well, who in the h3ll is he, then?' he demands.
 
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'


« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2013, 13:39 »
+2
Thi is a toughy but an old goodie,

 Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

Get it, takes a while :D

Best,
Jonathan

tab62

« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2013, 15:44 »
+4
Three guys dead and went to heaven. While at Heaven's gate St Pete told all three men that he would ask them if they ever cheated on their wives and based upon their answer it would determine what they got to drive in heaven.  St Pete ask the first guy- He replied, "Never, I was faithful to my beloved wife for over 50 years!" thus a rolls royce awaited him and he drove away with a smile on his face. The 2nd guys replied to St. Pete, "Okay, I was drunk one night and screwed my lady co-work but later on told my wife which we were married over 30 years" St. Pete gave him a Ford LT to drive in heaven. The third guy was laughing his ass off and told St. Pete- "I am not sure how . I got her in the first place! And I screwed any women that came my way- coworkers, neighbors, friends" St. Pete gave him a bicycle to ride in heaven.

While the third man was riding his bike he notice a rolls royce pulled over and saw the first man crying like a baby! He pedaled up to the expensive car and told the first man - "Why the heck are you crying! I am in heaven on a bike sweating my ass off and happy as hell! Yet you are sad?"  The first man told the the third man- "Shut the F*&^ Up! I just saw my wife go by on a skate board!"...

The End

RacePhoto

« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2013, 00:27 »
+2
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3."


« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2013, 07:06 »
+2
Dont know how true these are...

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
 
Wynona Rider, "I feel my best when I'm happy."
 
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
 
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
 
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
 
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' --Al Gore, Vice President
 
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
 
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
 
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
 
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
 
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

CD123

« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2013, 10:52 »
+2
Insult:

On the left side of your brain nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.  ;)

Poncke

« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2013, 11:04 »
0
@ Phil

LMFAO !!

LSD72

  • My Bologna has a first name...
« Reply #20 on: January 28, 2013, 11:11 »
0
Some people are just a few flippers shy of a pinball machine.

lisafx

« Reply #21 on: January 28, 2013, 13:27 »
+1
Great thread Poncke.  Hilarious jokes here. :D

Wish I had something to contribute.  I can never seem to remember or retell jokes well.  I'll ask my hubby when he comes home and maybe he'll have one for me to post...

« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2013, 13:48 »
+5
A Lawyer's Affair.  For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a *insult removed* in the family than a lawyer."

 

Supposedly From a book called "Disorder in the Court".   Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What is your date of birth?   A: July fifteenth.   Q: What year?   A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?   A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?   A: Yes.   Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?   A: I forget.  Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.   Q: How long has he lived with you?   A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?   A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"   Q: And why did that upset you?   A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?   A: Approximately milepost 499.   Q: And where is milepost 499?   A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?   A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?   A: After the accident?  Q: Before the accident.   A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?   A: We both do.  Q: Voodoo?   A: We do.  Q: You do?  A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?   A: Yes.   Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir.   Q: What did she say?   A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?   A: Yes.   Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?   A: Yes.   Q: How many were boys?   A: None.   Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?   A: Yes.   Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?   

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?   A: By death.   Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?   A: He was about medium height and had a beard.   Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?   A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?   A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?   A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?   A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.   Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?   A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?   A: No.   Q: Did you check for blood pressure?   A: No.   Q: Did you check for breathing?   A: No.   Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?   A: No.   Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?   A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.   Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?   A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Poncke

« Reply #23 on: January 28, 2013, 14:00 »
0
Great thread Poncke.  Hilarious jokes here. :D

Wish I had something to contribute.  I can never seem to remember or retell jokes well.  I'll ask my hubby when he comes home and maybe he'll have one for me to post...
Thank you Lisa. Appreciate it. I am sure the hubby will have a funny one to share ;-)

Poncke

« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2013, 14:04 »
0
@ Heywoody, Brilliant !! Giggled a few times.

Poncke

« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2013, 14:08 »
+2
Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing my story because people asked...

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning  :-\
 
First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fvcked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So I stayed at my uncle's farm to bust my chops in the fields. Actually it was just a fvcking desert. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
 
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
 
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fvcking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy sh!t went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
 
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
 
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to have my way with her. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
 
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
 
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
 
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fvcked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
 
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fvcking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
 
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
 
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

« Reply #26 on: January 28, 2013, 22:56 »
0
How did the frog cross the road?

He was stapled to a chicken ;D

J


« Reply #27 on: January 29, 2013, 03:38 »
0
How did the frog cross the road?

He was stapled to a chicken ;D

J

that's not very nice, I like frogs :(
« Last Edit: January 29, 2013, 14:29 by Phil »

« Reply #28 on: January 29, 2013, 14:29 »
0
Four Worms in Church
(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)
 

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.

 



The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.

 


The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
 
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

BK

« Reply #29 on: January 29, 2013, 23:36 »
+1
Guy leaves the house in the morning for his weekly golf outing with his buddies.  He's usually home about noon. 
Around 1:00 his wife gets a little worried. 2:00 more worried...
He finally walks in the door around 6pm. His wife is beside herself, "Where have you been!?"
"Oh, honey, you wouldn't believe it," he says. "We get on the 3rd tee and Joe keels over dead from a heart attack."
"Oh My God," the wife says. "That's terrible."
"It sure was," the guy responds. "The rest of the day it was hit the ball, drag Joe. Hit the ball, drag Joe."

« Reply #30 on: January 30, 2013, 11:01 »
+1
A man taking a flight finds himself seated next to a parrot.  The parrot is obnoxious in the extreme! Get me a whisky b*tch - he screams at the flight attendant.  The food sucks he shouts and throws his tray across the plane.  The man notices that the parrot is getting a lot of service and attention, so he starts doing the same. And pretty soon the two of them are having a whale of a time shouting and abusing the staff and making all kinds of demands.

But enough gets to be enough and at one point two burly men from the flight staff catch them both, open the door mid-sky, and toss them out of the plane.

As the two are falling to ground the parrot turns and looks at the man in admiration; and says 'For someone who doesn't have wings, you've got balls man'.


« Reply #31 on: January 30, 2013, 13:59 »
+1
Snufkin, that's fabulous. Brought tears to my eyes. Here is an oldie but goodie:-

An Englishman goes on holiday to Spain. He is a gourmet and plans to try all the local specialities in the best restaurants.

One day, he is visiting a small town and finds an unpretentious little restaurant near the bull ring. He looks at the menu, but then notices the person at the next table who has a plate of two large meatballs in some sort of sauce.

In the immortal words, he says to the waiter, "I'll have what she's having." The waiter nods, goes back to the kitchen, and soon he is enjoying the most delicious meatballs he has ever eaten. So impressed is he by this dish, he goes back to the same restaurant for the next three nights, always savouring the tasty meal.

On the fourth night, he asks for the meatballs, and is surprised when the waiter brings out a plate with two much smaller meatballs.

"But I wanted the same as I had last night," he says. "Where are the large meatballs I had before?"

The waiter shrugs, and says, "Senor, it is the way of the bullfight. Sometimes, the bull wins!"

 

Poncke

« Reply #32 on: January 30, 2013, 14:29 »
+2
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are have a chat at an archaeology site.

The Scotsman says; after having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, the Englishman recalls English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

Not impressed by either men, the Irishman says that "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee , Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

« Reply #33 on: January 30, 2013, 15:09 »
+1
OK on the englishman, scotsman, irishman vein...

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
 
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
 
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
 "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
 
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
 "Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
 
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Poncke

« Reply #34 on: January 30, 2013, 15:20 »
0
@ Heywoody

Laughing out loud here. ! ;D

« Reply #35 on: January 30, 2013, 18:18 »
+3
Government Theory
 
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that: �When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, best strategy is to dismount�.

However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
 
1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4.  Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to  be fed, it is less  costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially  more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other  horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course....

13 Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. 

ShadySue

« Reply #36 on: January 30, 2013, 18:27 »
0
Government Theory
<big snip>
Brilliant. That's so like the old day job, I'm sending it round my former colleagues.
tx


« Reply #37 on: January 31, 2013, 05:30 »
+1
I've removed one post (and the posts that responded to that post) that poked fun at other members.  I realize it was just in jest but it was simply asking for trouble.

Reef

  • astonmars.com
« Reply #38 on: January 31, 2013, 07:07 »
0
I've removed one post (and the posts that responded to that post) that poked fun at other members.  I realize it was just in jest but it was simply asking for trouble.

Oh for gawd sake..........

That was probably the funniest joke ever posted here and not even close to the "jesting" some (not all) have given others.

If they can't take a little poke they shouldn't dish it out in the first place. So I'm not sure why you felt the need, Leaf? Peace :)

CD123

« Reply #39 on: January 31, 2013, 07:19 »
+3
I've removed one post (and the posts that responded to that post) that poked fun at other members.  I realize it was just in jest but it was simply asking for trouble.

Oh for gawd sake..........

That was probably the funniest joke ever posted here and not even close to the "jesting" some (not all) have given others.

If they can't take a little poke they shouldn't dish it out in the first place. So I'm not sure why you felt the need, Leaf? Peace :)
Yes, it was funny, but if you allow jokes at the cost of others, who will be able to draw the line on deserved and undeserved comments / targets? It was the logical and proper decision by a responsible site/forum owner. Peace to you to bro  ;)

PS I think that is what the "gawd" you refer to would have done as well - so it probably worked out for His sake as well.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 07:22 by CD123 »

« Reply #40 on: January 31, 2013, 10:31 »
+2
I have to agree with Reef, it was an excellent example of gentle humour that absolutely nailed it - in fact, probably even flattering (as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.")

Didn't one of the Popes "castrate" a bunch of statues for similar reasons?

CD123

« Reply #41 on: January 31, 2013, 11:23 »
0
I have to agree with Reef, it was an excellent example of gentle humour that absolutely nailed it - in fact, probably even flattering (as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.")

Didn't one of the Popes "castrate" a bunch of statues for similar reasons?
Can see your name did not come up as one of the people being joked about.  ;)

« Reply #42 on: January 31, 2013, 11:57 »
0
I have to agree with Reef, it was an excellent example of gentle humour that absolutely nailed it - in fact, probably even flattering (as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.")

Didn't one of the Popes "castrate" a bunch of statues for similar reasons?
Can see your name did not come up as one of the people being joked about.  ;)

That's just cos I'm too boring - the "victims" are the colourful characters  ;D

Poncke

« Reply #43 on: January 31, 2013, 12:20 »
0
It had to derail, and I knew it as soon as I saw the post. Deleting it doesnt solve the problem either, as the thread has now turned into a discussion regardless. It was fun while it lasted. Thanks for those who posted, some good jokes in here.

CD123

« Reply #44 on: January 31, 2013, 12:56 »
0
Lets just start it again. Lame joke 1:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no idea



PS For in case this is a pronunciation thing:

"no eye deer"
« Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 19:29 by CD123 »

« Reply #45 on: January 31, 2013, 18:31 »
0
Government Theory
<big snip>
Brilliant. That's so like the old day job, I'm sending it round my former colleagues.
tx

Thanks  :) :) happy you liked it.

« Reply #46 on: January 31, 2013, 19:52 »
+1
Lets just start it again. Lame joke 1:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no idea



PS For in case this is a pronunciation thing:

"no eye deer"

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

still no idea :)


whats brown and sticky?

a stick.
(this has been my sons favourite joke for over 10 years - sad but true)


CD123

« Reply #47 on: January 31, 2013, 20:13 »
0
Heard about the guy who breaded 4 legged chickens for KFC (4 drums with every chicken). Wonder how it tastes? No one knows, could not catch one yet....

CD123

« Reply #48 on: January 31, 2013, 20:17 »
+1
Cop pulls over a frisky young drunken lady.
Cop: Anything you say might be taken down.
Girl: Pants! 

Poncke

« Reply #49 on: January 31, 2013, 20:34 »
+1
Cop pulls over a frisky young drunken lady.
Cop: Anything you say might be taken down.
Girl: Pants!

And then the boyfriend says "I haven't had a cvnt all night, drinkstable!"

w7lwi

  • Those that don't stand up to evil enable evil.
« Reply #50 on: January 31, 2013, 21:28 »
+1
OK I can see this is deteriorating so here's a couple that are pretty sad.

What do you call a cow with no legs?  .... Ground beef.

What do you call a prostitute with no legs?  .... a night crawler.


 

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