The Lighthearted Thread ~ Just to change the mind set a bit

[Poncke]

Its been tough the last two weeks for a lot of people here. Lets just post some lighthearted stuff. If it doesnt help, it doesnt hurt either 

[North Carolina accent]I'll tell ya right now, my heart is beating like a phonebook in a dryer[/North Carolina accent] ~ Will Ferrell

Brilliant quote from The Campaign, IMO 

What you got? 

[qwerty]

What do you call a lawyer with two wooden legs ?

A waste of wood !

[gillian vann]

what do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

[Poncke]

LOL, keep em coming

[tab62]

A lawyer an IRS Agent out of an airport without any parachutes - who hit the ground first?

Answer- Who Cares...


T

[qwerty]

A bride and groom to be were both unfortunately killed in a freak accidents on the way to their wedding.

They arrive at the pearly gates together and are greeted at the gates by one of the angels. "Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around but first thing do you have any requests ?"

"Well we were on our way to get married, any chance of that ?"
"Sure I'll arrange it."
Off goes the angel and returns 4 weeks later. "I've finally found a priest ! There's not that many of them here it turns out. Are you ready to go ahead ?"

"I've just one question" asked the groom. "If it doesn't work out are you allowed to get a divorce in heaven ?"

With a look of astonishment the angel replies.
"Your saw how long it took me to find a priest, how long do you think it would take to find a lawyer ?"

[BaldricksTrousers]

How many crowdsourcing microstockers does it take to change a lightbulb? 50,000. One to do the job and 49,999 to say "I'd have done that better".

[BaldricksTrousers]

How many crowdsourcing snappers does it take to get one image on Shutterstock? 50,000. One to get accepted and the other 49,999 to say Attila the Reviewer is an ignorant moron who doestn't recognise a brilliant, award-winning photo when he sees one.

[sc]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one? 

[Sadstock]

My all time favorite

"A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the * thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna F@ck it!"

[Sadstock]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Poncke]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

LOL, thats the best one !

[Poncke]

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
 
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
 
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
 
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
 
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
 
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
 
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
 
'Well, who in the h3ll is he, then?' he demands.
 
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'

[Jonathan Ross]

Thi is a toughy but an old goodie,

 Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

Get it, takes a while

Best,
Jonathan

[tab62]

Three guys dead and went to heaven. While at Heaven's gate St Pete told all three men that he would ask them if they ever cheated on their wives and based upon their answer it would determine what they got to drive in heaven.  St Pete ask the first guy- He replied, "Never, I was faithful to my beloved wife for over 50 years!" thus a rolls royce awaited him and he drove away with a smile on his face. The 2nd guys replied to St. Pete, "Okay, I was drunk one night and screwed my lady co-work but later on told my wife which we were married over 30 years" St. Pete gave him a Ford LT to drive in heaven. The third guy was laughing his ass off and told St. Pete- "I am not sure how . I got her in the first place! And I screwed any women that came my way- coworkers, neighbors, friends" St. Pete gave him a bicycle to ride in heaven.

While the third man was riding his bike he notice a rolls royce pulled over and saw the first man crying like a baby! He pedaled up to the expensive car and told the first man - "Why the heck are you crying! I am in heaven on a bike sweating my ass off and happy as hell! Yet you are sad?"  The first man told the the third man- "Shut the F*&^ Up! I just saw my wife go by on a skate board!"...

The End

[RacePhoto]

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3."

[Phil]

Dont know how true these are...

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
 
Wynona Rider, "I feel my best when I'm happy."
 
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
 
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
 
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
 
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' --Al Gore, Vice President
 
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
 
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
 
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
 
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
 
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[CD123]

Insult:

On the left side of your brain nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left. 

[Poncke]

@ Phil

LMFAO !!

[LSD72]

Some people are just a few flippers shy of a pinball machine.

[lisafx]

Great thread Poncke.  Hilarious jokes here.

Wish I had something to contribute.  I can never seem to remember or retell jokes well.  I'll ask my hubby when he comes home and maybe he'll have one for me to post...

[heywoody]

A Lawyer's Affair.  For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a *insult removed* in the family than a lawyer."

 

Supposedly From a book called "Disorder in the Court".   Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What is your date of birth?   A: July fifteenth.   Q: What year?   A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?   A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?   A: Yes.   Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?   A: I forget.  Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.   Q: How long has he lived with you?   A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?   A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"   Q: And why did that upset you?   A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?   A: Approximately milepost 499.   Q: And where is milepost 499?   A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?   A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?   A: After the accident?  Q: Before the accident.   A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?   A: We both do.  Q: Voodoo?   A: We do.  Q: You do?  A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?   A: Yes.   Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir.   Q: What did she say?   A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?   A: Yes.   Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?   A: Yes.   Q: How many were boys?   A: None.   Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?   A: Yes.   Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?   

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?   A: By death.   Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?   A: He was about medium height and had a beard.   Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?   A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?   A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?   A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?   A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.   Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?   A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?   A: No.   Q: Did you check for blood pressure?   A: No.   Q: Did you check for breathing?   A: No.   Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?   A: No.   Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?   A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.   Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?   A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Poncke]

Great thread Poncke.  Hilarious jokes here.

Wish I had something to contribute.  I can never seem to remember or retell jokes well.  I'll ask my hubby when he comes home and maybe he'll have one for me to post...

Thank you Lisa. Appreciate it. I am sure the hubby will have a funny one to share ;-)

[Poncke]

@ Heywoody, Brilliant !! Giggled a few times.